Get Out Of Your Own Way – Mark Goulston & Philip Goldberg

Introduction

10 Things You Can Learn from Self-Defeating Behavior

Since this book was first published, I have been extremely gratified by the
response I’ve received from readers. I have also learned a great deal from
those readers—and from the reaction to my “Top Ten” lists of things we can
learn from the self-defeating behavior of public figures, from O.J. Simpson
to President Clinton, which I’ve written for various publications. Thanks to
the insightful readers who have applied the advice in this book to their
lives, I have come to realize that there are universal lessons to be learned
from understanding the nature of self-defeating behavior. Therefore, to help
you get even more out of this book, here are the Top Ten Lessons I’ve
Learned From Readers.

1. Work on it now. One of the greatest tragedies you can experience is to
come to the end of your life and realize that it has not been everything
you’d hoped it would be. Even more tragic is to realize that your failure to
fulfill your hopes and dreams was due in large part to your inability to get
out of your own way. It’s never too late. The time to overcome your self
defeating behaviors is now. Otherwise, you run the risk of suffering deep
regret over opportunities missed, satisfaction lost, and love not given or
received.

2. Jump from the frying pan onto the counter, not into the fire. In your haste
to change a self-defeating behavior, make sure you don’t just substitute a
different self-defeating behavior. The new one might even be more
damaging than the original. Remember, if you shoot from your hip you can
end up shooting yourself in the foot. Acting rashly in an effort to find a new
coping mechanism can provide momentary relief only to complicate your
life, damage your credibility, and end up making you hate yourself for
acting foolishly. Instead of waiting until a similar situation arises and acting
impulsively, figure out in advance what course of action would provide a
lasting solution, not just a temporary substitution.

3. Avoidance is no solution. In an attempt to change a self-defeating pattern
within a relationship, some people decide to avoid trouble by keeping their
feelings to themselves. Staying angry and living with the pain seems to be a
better choice than having another argument. The problem is, if you do not
deal with hurt and disappointment quickly enough those feelings harden
into resentment, anger, and hate. They fester inside and eventually turn into
physical symptoms and/or emotional powder kegs. In the long run, it’s
much less self-defeating to acknowledge the problem early on and deal with
it effectively—with compassion, respect, and empathy.

4. There is nothing more futile than trying to change another person. In an
attempt to take the easy way out, some people try to change others rather
than work on their own self-defeating behavior. “Hey, I wouldn’t lose my
temper if she stopped criticizing me!” “I wouldn’t have to criticize him if he
wasn’t such a slob!” When it’s so difficult to change yourself, how on earth
do you imagine that it will be a simple task to change someone else? You
are better off concentrating on overcoming your own self-defeating
behaviors and changing yourself for the better. As for the other person,
they’re much more likely to come around if you use understanding and
acceptance rather than coercion and guilt.

5. You can’t fix something until you admit it’s broken. A fine line separates
being direct from being blunt, being assertive from being abrasive, being
strong-minded from being stubborn, being sensitive from being histrionic,
or being spontaneous from being impulsive. Knowing the difference means
recognizing the truth about your behavior, which is the first step to positive
change.

6. It takes seconds to destroy trust and years to rebuild it. The longer you
persist in self-defeating behavior the more likely you are to lose the respect
and trust of others. Even if no one is immediately hurt or offended by your
actions, they will still become wary of what might happen next—and it can
take a long time to earn back their respect and trust. So get on with it before
the road back to respectability becomes too long to travel and all the
sympathy you’re used to getting turns to pity. The longer you avoid
changing, the more your friends will avoid you.

7. Where there’s a way, there’s a will. Studies show that people stay in
unsatisfying jobs and relationships because they can’t find a way to change
that feels right, makes sense, and is doable. Simply having the will is not
enough. You also need a way. And in fact, sometimes the way precedes the
will. Visualize a practical alternative to your self-defeating behavior. Then,
when you find yourself starting down the rocky road to self-defeat, pause,
reflect, and replace the destructive behavior with the more constructive way
of dealing with the situation.

8. You can teach an old dog new tricks. Often, the main obstacle to change
is a lack of confidence that you can actually learn and implement new
approaches to old problems. To avoid making the commitment to grow, we
sometimes look for flaws in every new idea and find a reason to reject
them. That’s why, for instance, some people use the fact that computers
sometimes crash as an excuse for keeping cumbersome paper files. They’re
actually afraid they won’t be able to work the computer.

9. Self-involvement is usually at the root of self-defeating behavior in
relationships. It’s great to work on your self-defeating behavior, but don’t
get so obsessed that you lose sight of those who matter to you. The more
preoccupied you are with yourself, the less likely you are to consider,
acknowledge, or even notice other people. As a result, they feel hurt,
frustrated, and angry—convinced that you don’t really care about them.
That’s no way to keep a friend or lover. You can begin to repair such rifts
only through empathy. Get in the habit of putting yourself in the other
person’s shoes by asking yourself, “What is it like for him/her right now?”

10. Few things make you feel worse than giving in to self-defeating
behavior, but few things make you feel better than overcoming it. Like
eating sweets or having an affair, the high you feel after indulging in self
defeating behavior is short-lived. And the shame, guilt, and self-contempt
you feel in their wake is not only chilling but long-lasting. But if you nip
self-defeating behavior in the bud, resist the temptation to give in to it and
replace it with a positive self-developing behavior, you will discover more
self-esteem and self-respect than you have ever experienced in your life.