Better Small Talk – PATRICK KING

Chapter 1. Ugh, Small Talk

Human beings are a social species. Connection is crucial to happiness,
staving off depression, and keeping healthy—literally. Various studies have
shown that the effects of loneliness are akin to eating a poorer diet and
exercising less, and can ultimately lead to the same place—an early death.
It might sound a little melodramatic, but companionship is literally the way
our brains have been built to survive and thrive.

But for the purposes of this book’s topic, there’s an even more important
wrinkle: the quality of our interactions matters as well, not just the quantity
or presence of other people around us. Sounds like even our brains despise
small talk.

A 2010 study by Matthias Mehl had participants wandering around in their
daily lives armed with a device that would record their audio environment
over three days. The researchers analyzed how long each participant was in
the presence of other people, and whether they were having casual
conversations or were talking about more substantive matters. Basically, the
aim was to capture what kinds of interactions these participants were taking
part in, and the effect they had on their lives.

At the same time, the researchers also measured people’s overall level of
happiness and mental and physical well-being. They found a clear
correlation between substantive and deep discussions and greater well
being and happiness. It’s something you’ve probably suspected or even felt
before, but being vulnerable and open with others is a deeply satisfying
activity on many levels.

As for small talk, that which is the opposite of substance and depth? Well, it
drew a negative correlation with well-being and happiness, meaning it made
people less happy. There you have it; real evidence that small talk is
something to be avoided, or at least transition out of as quickly as possible.
Researcher Arthur Aron conducted a study in 1997, in which he paired
participants who didn’t know each other and gave them a list of fairly
personal questions to ask. Although the questions were not offensively
intrusive, they were more than just small talk. (“Would you like to be
famous and how?” “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?”